Growing up in and athletic family, I would say I’m a competitive person.

Now I have my own children, and I am in the position of being an American football parent coach. My son is nine years old, and I have coached him for three seasons. Like most parents, there is a natural tendency to want to live vicariously through our children, and winning is part of it. I make a conscious effort not to get caught up with winning and living through their own field efforts.

I was raised with the Focolare spirituality of unity and attended meetings into my teenage years.

It has certainly left an impact and has remained with me into adulthood. It has a major impact on my method of coaching.

My coaching philosophy is to make a point of separating practice from the actual day of the game. At practice I am there to help each player understand that a team is a group, organized by a leader who is there to teach and to help them focus on working through their errors.

That being said, if they make an error during the game, it is not the time to openly correct them as I normally do in practice. The game itself is enough pressure on young athletes.

Once the game starts, I teach the children to just focus on the next play, even when we score. This attitude helped us win many games in the last minute of play over the course of coaching my son. I enjoy seeing the kids having fun and not feeling the pressure of the game.

I maintain a conscious effort of showing my team that I am not feeling pressure to win either. While it is critical that the players realize their coach is 100% behind them and working toward winning, it’s key that they see calm, level-headed leader, detached from living through their on-field performance.

By now the players on my team trust me to be the same coach, win or lose; we just keep working within the same approach. I teach that winning comes from playing well, but they also need to develop an attitude of being a good sport, even when the scoreboard shows failure.

At nine years old this sometime requires helping my team get beyond their tears. It’s a real challenge. No one wants to lose! Coaching is about becoming an effective part of the group, working together and helping each child have fun playing a game.

I appreciate and respect that it’s also an opportunity to shape their lives and to help them to develop as persons.

This is why I coach.

It takes more of an effort on my part with my own son. Initially, he couldn’t understand why I allowed extra time on the clock during our final game of the season.

One evening we were playing within a rule that games don’t go beyond 8:30pm. At this point the team that is ahead wins. We were losing, but since we could still tie the game I was hoping my team would quickly score for their morale. We were driving on the top team at the end of a competitive effort. Just then the other coach called the game (it was exactly 8:30). A few nights later we wound up on the other side of the same scenario. We were winning against a team who lost every game during the season, including their first game against our team.

It was 8:30pm, but they were driving down the field on us, and their coach refused to give in. He kept coaching. On their last drive, his team was responding and improving as the opposing coach was working effectively within what I consider my own philosophy.

I offered the opportunity to play beyond the time limit. It’s an instructional league, so I stuck to my decision, versus sealing up a victory. They finally scored, and the kids were very excited. When the opposing team scored, it looked like a championship victory. Our team then stopped the extra point, so we won by one point but created a game for both teams that came down to the wire.

The coach came over and thanked me “big time.” The real win was seeing them so happy and knowing that all the kids had fun, including my own son, who said later that he understood why I allowed more time. Again, this is why I coach.

Eric De Maille