Who am I? Who are you?

Reflections on the meaning of self and the encounter with others

It is certainly not easy for people to find a definition of self in the present-day fragmentation of our lives, in the midst of constant changes that seem to strongly condition us and inhibit our freedom. We appear to be lost, incapable of autonomy and critical analysis.

We react inadequately and end up profoundly confused about who we are and about our relationships with others. Isolated by this inability to communicate, and feeling even more alone, we find ourselves often compelled to seek sterile, unrewarding company in objects that we acquire and immediately consume.

Modern culture in many respects made the human person sacred, freeing people from all those chains that prevented them from being themselves. But we have now come to realize that such liberation has in fact produced annihilation in the human person, or a narcissistic turning in on one’s self and the painful inability to make sense of the inherent complexity of one’s own existence.

We live with a social cohesiveness that neither contains people nor nurtures them, because it is no longer able to express a community...

A spirituality — considered also from the perspective of non-believers — in the measure that it intervenes in the life of a person, drastically directing or changing their life and convictions, constitutes a significant and absolute value, not only on a purely anthropological level, but above all on a psychological level.

With this premise, we can ask ourselves some questions. How does the Focolare spirituality of communion view the individual and his or her fulfillment? What conceptual paradigms can it contribute in the psychological field that would help the contemporary person in his or her search for the meaning of self?

For humanity today, a characteristic expression of the difficulty in finding a meaning for self seems to be the unwillingness to accept limits.

For Chiara Lubich, Jesus who on the cross felt abandoned by his Father — “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mt 27:46) — is the measure of true love, of the extreme gift of self, of completely and unconditionally taking on upon himself every limit. Jesus Forsaken is like the antidote to disunity among people; he is the medicine that heals every suffering, and recomposes every separation, and every conflict.

Among the limits of our human condition, in her acceptance speech on receiving a doctorate in psychology in 1999, Chiara singled out those limits with strong psychological significance (suffering, emptiness, failure, sadness) — the most significant obstacles to self-fulfillment in communion with others…

One’s not having been recognized by the others makes it difficult for the individual to recognize others, and this obviously constitutes an additional element of mental suffering, another source of maladjustment and conflict. To assume the limits inherent in this entirely relational difficulty, to recognize the others and to be recognized by the others imply supporting the identity of others and nurturing one’s own identity. This makes it possible to attain relational reciprocity, that is, to build the healthiest form of human interaction.

The solution inherent in Chiara’s doctrine also opens up a new horizon.

It underlines the existence of an even more complex and developed relational life: communion. This is based on an ulterior way of living reciprocity that we could define as communal reciprocity. The psychological characteristics and affective implications of communal reciprocity are significantly different from those connoted by the more generic kind of relational reciprocity…

But what kind of communion are we speaking about? ... We are referring to a different kind of communion, in which individualization and belonging are not in conflict but are fully integrated with one another; in which each one expresses his or her own identity without denying the other’s, but being open to encountering the other.

In this communion, belonging does not downgrade diversity, but it recognizes and accepts diversity in its multiple expressions. In the spirituality of communion my individuality reaches its fullness and completion if it is totally open to the other …

Psychology can find an important reference point in the spirituality of communion. Valuable and decisive indications can hopefully come from it for directing our initial research. Chiara’s spirituality, in particular, highlights the existence of a strong connection between communion and the acceptance of limits, and between communion and the unselfish gift of self.

Simonetta Magri

(Excerpted from a 2004 address at a Psychology and Communion conference.)
Simonetta Magri, International director of the Psychology and Communion network, is a clinical director at the Catholic University of Rome.

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Positive psychology and beyond

Without negating the important advances of positive psychology, Chiara Lubich’s perspective has taken us a step further these past 10 years. The Psychology and Communion network of friends continues to explore exciting implications for the field.

In his 1998 presidential address to the American Psychological Association’s annual convention, Martin Seligman spoke forcefully in favor of a new perspective that he called “positive psychology.” He lobbied for a shift away from focusing on what is worst in human behavior to studying and promoting the best in human behavior, proposing that we should study concepts like joy and courage, love and resilience.

While still struggling in some ways to make its voice heard in the “serious, empirically sound” world of psychology, positive psychology now has a firm foothold in the field, and I think we can safely say that it will not go away.

Since God doesn’t operate in the world of coincidences, the fact that the following year Focolare founder Chiara Lubich was awarded an honorary doctorate in psychology from the University of Malta is significant (see Living City, June 1999). In February this year, the most prestigious hotel in Malta hosted the 10th-anniversary celebration of the event with a book launch of Chiara Lubich’s Essential Writings, with 400 participants from the civil and religious fields, followed by a panel discussion attended by 60 professionals and university professors.

The celebration marked much more than an anniversary. The interest and enthusiasm of many participants was such that the following morning, in the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services in Malta, some of them identified steps to be taken so that the Psychology and Communion network could also begin to take root there.

But what is Psychology and Communion? It is both a network of scholars, professionals and students and their shared project: drawing concepts and principles from the spirituality of unity for the field of psychology.

The honorary doctorate awarded to Chiara highlighted how her spirituality of unity holds an original key to understanding human beings. Her model of spiritual life features an equilibrium between respect for individuality and the reciprocity of human relationships. The spirituality also offers a positive evaluation of human suffering and all that is negative in both our personal lives and society.

She has helped cultivate within the field of psychology an integral vision of the human person. As a result, professionals and scholars who draw inspiration from the spirituality of unity for the field of psychology, psychiatry and other related mental health professions have begun to meet together with renewed enthusiasm, and the Psychology and Communion network has been established.

After a first international conference held in 2002 in Rome entitled, “Toward a Full Humanism,” hundreds of professionals met in cities throughout the world. As interest developed in the original approach contained in the interdisciplinary paradigm of unity, other scholars, professionals and many students outside the Focolare circle became involved.

Although belonging to different schools of thought, scholars underline how interpersonal experiences among people are essential to the individual and how interactions that favor reciprocal recognition are fundamental for the healthy development of personality. They also maintain that situations of suffering or blocked psychic development can be a prelude to new experiences of competency, healing and hope. This occurs especially when authentic dialogues are initiated, aimed at discovering one’s capacity for self-correction, inherent in the instinct of every human being to evolve.

For Chiara, individuals can always enlarge their circle of interpersonal relationships, and connect with others, to the point of transcending themselves. Those we interact with, far from being just a means, are ends unto themselves. In this interpersonal dynamic, however, individuals find that they are enriched by what they receive from others. According to Chiara, individual psychological development is connected to that of others, even though the individuality of each person is clearly experienced.

The connection between current psychological studies and the Focolare lifestyle allows us to hypothesize a promising future for the field, providing further insights into the well-being of individuals.

Without negating the important advances made through positive psychology, Chiara’s perspective takes us a step further. Perhaps we could say that the vision of Psychology and Communion makes true positive psychology possible, since it goes to the very essence of the human person, offering a new understanding of their psychological make-up and the true nature of their connectedness to one another.

In practice, these concepts acquire a simplicity that belies the depth of their roots. For example, after I introduced the concept of reciprocity, as understood and explained through the spirituality of unity, to a college course I gave on the psychology of women, my students came to some unique conclusions.

Their final exams reflected this. One wrote, “In reciprocity, by satisfying another’s needs we free ourselves from the things that condition us and leave us stuck.”

“In order to have true reciprocity,” wrote another, “the two individuals in a relationship must acknowledge that they are equals who share commonalities and similarities, but also have different talents and characteristics of distinct but equal value. The two individuals need to understand that they exist as both separate (entities), and as a whole in relation to each other … Conflict resolution requires some losing of self and gaining from the other, but ultimately the gain is also for self.”

“In reciprocity,” wrote a third, “one is defined as an individual by the fact that there is also the ‘other.’ Basically this new approach not only recognizes the individual as part of society, as before, but places relationships of reciprocity at the very basis of individual and societal functioning … There would be no violence against women because perpetrators would recognize that they are harming themselves.”

As we continue to explore the possible implications for the field of psychology, it is clear that they are varied and multiple. We can look forward with optimism and anticipation to many new developments in all branches of psychology.

Nancy O’Donnell

Nancy O’Donnell, Psy.D. is adjunct professor of psychology at Marist College in New York and a member of the Psychology and Communion network. Visit www.psy-com.org.

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